“I love you more”   Leave a comment

In his homily for our mom’s funeral, my brother related a final conversation with her in the hospital, while she was still able to communicate. He told her that he loved her, and her response was, “I love you more.” I’d heard those same words countless times myself, and probably took them for granted more often than not. When someone you love – who obviously loves you – speaks in this way, you become used to it. It almost loses meaning because you don’t imagine those words will one day cease to be uttered.

My brother’s homily drew the connection between our mom’s deep and unconditional love, and the love God has for us (and, most comfortingly, the love He has for her). God does “love us more,” and He has shown, and continues to show it in countless ways. For me, finding the “more” in the decidedly “less” I am experiencing is a challenge, to say the least. The tears have stopped – for now – and an empty space just hovers somewhere over my heart. It hovers because it hasn’t found a space. Not a place even for emptiness just yet. I don’t know where to put it, where to put anything. I’m in a fog.

Right now I have to rely on the saints to pray for me; that is, to do my praying for me. I say my prayers, but right now they are just the words I’m supposed to say. I know they’ll gather meaning again, but for now all I can do is say them. Even with all of that – the fog, the emptiness, the disconnect between words and feelings – I am aware of Jesus. I am aware that He is here, that His wounds are open to receive mine. I am aware that He loves me more. I am grateful. I’m just not there yet.

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Posted December 20, 2013 by palsa99 in Uncategorized

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