Still trying to hold Her hand   Leave a comment

I’m not sure exactly what is prompting my return to writing from a long “hiatus;” or why I stopped writing in the first place. Perhaps it was the ability to hold on only tenuously during the turbulent movements of a life in flux: unemployment, bad employment, death of loved ones, spiritual upheaval. Or perhaps just laziness. Whatever – I was prompted to open up again, because I needed to.

The road of infertility has stretched longer than I could ever have imagined. Every time a woman thinks she may finally be healed of the emotional pain, and the scars on her heart are no longer raw and tight, allowing the heart to stretch and open up with charity and generosity…BOOM. A trigger slaps her down again. Slaps me down. The surprise news of two pregnancies from women who’ve been down this same road – and even longer than I – comes as no less a shock and (truth be told) disappointment than it did four years ago. Four years ago I was a newlywed; albeit, not a young, idealistic, freshly-minted adult . Now, just shy of my 48th birthday, the realization that I will not be a mother permeates every part of my body. It reaches to my soul.

A strange feeling, a mix of emotions. I feel at once sad and unburdened; free…and yet still bound by the unshakable sorrow of what will. Never. Be.

“Blessed are the barren: for they shall be called to fruitfulness in other ways.” Yes. But not in the way we so desperately wish.

My consolation is the few women I still know who walk this road with me, who still feel guilty for selfish thoughts, and still cry at diaper commercials. My body is telling me, It’s time. It’s time to finally let go, because the end of the road is near. That, too, is freeing, even in its deathly finality.

Sweet Mother, hold my hand this night. May I have a share in your Motherhood? Will you open my eyes and wipe away the tears that blur my vision when the opportunities to love are right in front of me? Dear Mother, hold the hands of all the women who will never hold the hand of their own precious child.


Posted February 27, 2015 by palsa99 in Uncategorized

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