Today is the birthday of the Blessed Mother, and it is a special day for my husband and me. Three years ago on this day a man from Western Pennsylvania was prompted by a friend from St. Ann’s (my home parish) to contact a woman who was “single, from a good family, and with a brother who is a priest.” We are convinced that Mary herself brought us together, and that it is no accident that we (virtually) met on her birthday, and were to be engaged one year later on the feast of her Queenship. Our Mother loves us dearly, and like our earthy mothers, she keeps loving us and caring for us even we we don’t appreciate her, or don’t realize just how much she does for us.

Yesterday I was feeling a little down, pensive as I ran about town doing my errands. I went to a department store, and as I walked across the parking lot to the entrance I was overwhelmed by the scent of lilacs. Lilacs…in September. I went in, did my shopping and exited the store, making my way back across the parking lot to my car. Again, the scent of lilacs was overwhelming. I stopped in my tracks and looked around; actually, I spun around, making a 360 degree scan of the area. No lilacs – and no flowers at all. “Is that you Mary?” I said aloud. No audible response. Then again, none was needed.

Thank you Mary, my Mother, for your many gifts. And thank you St. Ann, my “heavenly Baba,” my holy Grandmother in the Faith, for never losing hope and always calling upon the Lord in trust. How good is our God, to draw us into communion with so many wonderful women (and men) who constantly intercede for us, even when we haven’t the strength to ask their help.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us, while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. Hebrews 12:1-2

Mary, Virgin and Godbearer, pray to God for us!

Anna and Joachim, parents of Mary and Grandparents of Jesus, pray to God for us!

The Birth of the Theotokos

St. Ann Byzantine Catholic Church

http://stannbyz.org/website2011/Default.aspx

I am continuing to pray the novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots, and I am not going to over-dramatize things by saying it has changed my life. However, I do believe it is bringing me peace; that Mary is bringing me peace. When I prayed the first day I was feeling so hopeless, like I was falling rapidly from somewhere, and no one was there to catch me. Or, I guess the feeling was more like uncertainty about whether or not someone would catch me, which is a worse feeling. I have not been sure where God is at any given moment. It’s as if He is there before me, and then hides and watches as I search for Him to no avail. This is not at all what He is doing, and I know this in my heart; but in the midst of the pain almost all rational thought – and faith – gets confused.

So in my first day of prayer I needed the knot of Hopelessness to be untied. On the second day I asked Mary to choose the knot herself, to tell me what knot prevents me from being close to Jesus and to believe that He is not hiding from me, or playing games with my heart. As I prayed I thought the Knot of Sadness was keeping me from Jesus. Then suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I heard the word “resistance.” Sadness is an emotion I definitely feel, and was feeling acutely on that day. The knot I really needed to be rid of, however, was not that emotional feeling which was simply keeping me wrapped up in me. Mary wanted to untie the Knot of Resistance because it was my resistance to letting go of all of the emotion, the stress, the worry – and most of all myself – that was not only keeping me from Jesus, but keeping me from life and all of the people I love. Letting go of oneself is the most difficult thing to do, and I stubbornly resisted doing just that. My Mother still held my hand though, and I think this time she pulled me out of myself and led me by another way.

Yesterday I went to Adoration and prayed once again that Mary would show me which knot needed to be loosed. She led me to the Knot of Being Filled with Myself, which is very much related to resistance. I learned years ago that we must empty ourselves in order for Jesus to come in and give us life. I will speak for myself: I am so filled with “me” that sometimes there is no room for…me! God only wants to fill us up with Himself – His love and truth and goodness – so that we will be who we are. I used to think that if I opened myself up so completely, became so vulnerable, that He would overtake me, and I would vanish. That is not at all what He wants. I know that He wants me to be fully me, but I lack trust in Him (even after all this time, and all His faithfulness). I must stop clinging to myself because I can’t survive on my own – and He doesn’t want me to have to be alone.

Yesterday I gave everything to Him: myself, my husband and our marriage, our money, our worries, and our desires for a child. Have I really given everything over? I am trying. It’s a daily struggle, a daily opportunity for conversion. That’s all God asks of us. This is important to remember as well, because whenever I regress I think I’ve failed, and I want to give up. All God asks of me – of any of us – is to keep trying, keep asking for His help, even when the supplication rings hollow to our own ears.

For he has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, Did not turn away from me, but heard me when I cried out. Psalm 22: 25.

Later today I will pray again, and I will leave it to Mary to choose the knot that is tightening its grip on me, and keeping me from trusting in the Lord. This novena has become something very different from what I’d intended at the start. I have been praying so hard to become pregnant, and everything has focused on that goal. Yet Mary has led me where I really need to go, which is away from me, and toward Jesus. I will just continue to follow her, because I know it’s what I need to do.

I am struck by the contrast between the prayer to the Undoer of Knots, and the Jesus Prayer. It is a contrast that is complementary, if that makes any sense. Mary is untying the knots that keep me from experiencing what is most important in life, and from experiencing God in a meaningful way. These knots keep me from myself – my true self – too. The knots are blocks to freedom.

The Jesus Prayer is most often prayed on a chotki, which is sometimes made of beads and looks a bit like a rosary. Traditionally, the chotki is made of wool, and each “bead” is a knot, carefully and meticulously formed, its twists and braids intricately tied. The knots are tightly tied in a complicated pattern so that the devil cannot untie them, thus drawing us away from a firm belief in the efficacy of asking God’s mercy on us. This tightly held knot brings freedom, the freedom that can only come in abandonment to God’s infinite mercy.

Two knots: one that binds us, and one that sets us free. I am more in love with Mary at this moment, because I know that she brings the Divine Love to me. She is untying those knots that are keeping me bound to sadness, desperation and loss of hope, freeing me to be tied to Jesus alone.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Recently I thought all my tears had been spent, that the last ones had streamed from my eyes, and that the sun had broken through the darkness I’ve been feeling for weeks. Yet, when I feel sure that all the crying is done, a few more tears still manage to replace all those I’ve already shed. Today was that kind of day, where in the morning I collapsed in my husband’s arms, sobbing (almost wailing, really). He is so faithful, so loving and kind when I become nothing short of a basket case. Yes, today was one of those days, when I again battled the feelings of hopelessness, and the confusion about just what God is planning to do with us. Today I heard the good news of the birth of a child, which set me back five steps from where I thought I’d come only days ago. Earlier I had felt so happy, so secure in the belief that God will answer my prayer, somehow, some way. Now I felt that, yet again, my prayers lacked the weight of others’, or that my faith lacked the strength of others’ – or that my God lacked the love for me that He has for others.

All of this is highly irrational, and frankly, quite selfish. And yet, these feelings, this darkness creeps up on me and suddenly overpowers me. I feel as if I am swallowed up by a force of emotion that has the power to annihilate me. I feel helpless, and as if no one understands my pain. Selfishness, again.

I swallow the pills – one, two, five, 12, 16 – to help my body to remember to ovulate. My 45 year old body that should have borne children by now. My 45 year old body that needs coaxing to do what it was created for, should do naturally. It’s not supposed to be like this, I think to myself. How much more of this can my body take? How much more can my heart stand? It is already nearly broken.

Sometimes, in the secret depths of His mystery, God allows our lives to take turns, to experience peaks and valleys, in order to form us into the men and women He knows we are. I had a lot to learn and needed to be formed and prepared for the great gift that is my husband. We found each other later than we would have liked but…we found each other! There is no one with whom I would rather share this burden – and no one who could share it with me as he does. The shape our love takes now is cruciform, the pain is real, and the cry of, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” wells up in me almost daily. And yet…I cannot be more grateful to Him for this gift of my husband. The suffering is hard, and the pain is more than I ever thought I would experience; but in those moments when the clouds break, I know it is all for His glory.

My sister-in-law, Susan, shared with me the prayer to Mary, Undoer of Knots. Today I prayed that Mary would untie the knot of hopelessness. I know that I must surrender completely to the Lord – give everything to Him, including the pain and the fear, and even the jealousy for the happiness of others. I must also surrender my hope, so that He can make it real, make it true. I have to entrust my hope to God so that He can gift it to me. I must surrender my whole self, my marriage, my body, my heart. I must entrust myself to Him completely. This knot of hopelessness is the knot in my stomach, the one that caused me to weep today in my husband’s arms. This is the knot that Mary will untie, the knot that I tied so tightly, that I must finally let go. If I continue to hold on to it, how can I hold my Mother’s hand?